Sunday, August 16, 2009

#9 About Masturbating (Again)

Something (else) I hate about masturbating...

Today I was jerking off, as usual (it's a masculine activity that will never wear off, it seems). I was just a few inches (metaphorically speaking, mind you, keep your perverted thoughts away from my tool's length) away from getting a damn good "happy ending", when it doesn't happen. I try again, replaying the same fantasies. Nada. Suddenly, a not-so-attractive picture appears in my head (I'm not going to describe it), and that's when the H.W.C. is out. Fuck, if I was Liz Phair, I'd write a song similar to "Why Can't I?" specifically for times like this.

#8 About Masturbating

Something I hate about masturbating...

Today I was giving myself some real wrist-induced pleasure, when something happened; a fistful of piss emerged from my boneheaded urethra. I was juuuust ready to get my orgasm, when my urethra thinks I'm in the bathroom and it's ready for the urine to take off. So, when it's done, a mixture of sperm and piss emerges from my teenie-weenie. I grab this gigantic German sausage my dick transforms to and run to the bathroom to flush it all away. So long, dear orgasm. It was nice to know you.

#7 About Shit-headed Motorbike Drivers

Something I hate about idiotic, stupid-as-fuck, shameless motorbike drivers...

Today, I was walking down the street when a dickwad on a motorcycle drove across the area with an almost deafening VROOOOOOOOM!!! In a perfect world, I'd rip his spine off, grind it on the bike's spinning wheels just to sharpen it a bit, and then shove it in the bike's engine to stop it (you thought I was going to say "up his ass", huh?). Life is unfair. And a bitch, all right. But also unfair. I want my decibels back. And 50€ (to donate to the guy who runs this site).

Friday, August 14, 2009

#6 About Pockets

Something I hate about pockets...

Today, I went to the super market to buy something to eat. What I bought costed only 1,56€ yet when I came home I was 50€ shorter. So, I hate pockets because things aparently fall out of them. Now I feel sad and lonely. I need a hug and 50€.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

#5 About Random People

Something I hate about random people...

Yesterday, I was out with friends. A random guy whom I might have spoken to, once in my life before, came up to me, sat next to me and started talking. Talking about random stuff while I was trying very hard to remember his name. The name came up to me only after he left. So, I hate having to hold back on saying something like "are you alone and sad?" or "don't you have somewhere else to be right now?" or something of that effect. I hate having to be social with random (disturbing) people who think they are your friend. I pick my friends by myself. You are not one of them. Go home.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

#4 About Instant Boners

Something I hate about having an instant boner...

Today, while surfing the net, I ended up on a porn site. Streaming stuff, the free way. Boners are like a reaction to your current situation. Sometimes they happen as a reflex for no apparent reason, sometimes they are induced by "other means". So the thing that I hate about instant boners is that, when you finally relieve yourself, tissues are never to be found near you. Or anywhere in the whole house. Just like a Murphy's Law.

#3 About Urinating

Something I hate about urinating...

Today something happened while I was relieving myself; I remembered a widely known quote in Greece is: "How do you know you're Greek? No matter how many times you wipe your dong, your underwear will still be stained when you put it back on". So, tell me, isn't it extremely annoying to push your wee-wee to a point when you think no more urine drops will come out, and then... (surprise!) your newly worn slip is dirty.

#2 About Farting

Something I hate about farting...

I was at a cafe with a friend, and it hit me. Farts are like a demon inside your ass, wanting to come out. Violently. I don't hate farts. What I hate the most about farting is the posibility of something else coming out unwanted. So I hate having to hold a fart for half an hour and looking like a red angry pirate at the cafe only to realize that there was nothing else waiting to come out.

Monday, August 10, 2009

#1 About Urinating

Something I hate about urinating...

I realized that I hate it when my urine stream splits in half and gets all over the toilet seat, which I didn't lift out of boredom and confidence for my peeing skills. This thing includes having to clean up your own urine from the seat.